After Your Crash: Restoring Balance

At Light for my Lamp, I've written a post about 5 Principles for Living Well while serving others.

When we hit the wall in mid-winter, it's often because we have lost the balance between caring for ourselves and caring for others. We've tipped the scales in towards doing more and drained our resources, all the while continuing to work less effectively. Of course, as we work less effectively, we get further behind. Usually our first response to this is to work even harder, which only drains us more. We drift into a downward spiral leading to burnout.

My five principles are hard-earned lessons from over 25 years of mothering, homeschooling, and ministry. I hope you'll stop by to read them and leave me a note with your thoughts.

Have a wonderful day.

After You've Hit the Wall

Here's a great little post from Don Miller's Blog on Following God and Farming. This should help you start your week well. I like what Don has to say here about partnering with God to tend the field we've been given. I like what he has to say about setting good limits.

Sometimes we moms feel like we need to do too much, be too much, and we burn ourselves out by trying to measure up to expectations that exceed our abilities. We can also become discouraged when we compare ourselves to someone else. It's a bad way to hit the wall in winter, crumpled up against life's hard realities with our own dreams of what we might be crushed up against us.

But the crash itself is a good place to start, believe it or not, to find the life we long for. Any ending can become a good beginning. The end of something is always where we have to start from to begin again.

I'm not saying we should aim low. I'm not saying we can't strive for excellence. On the contrary, I think striving for excellence is very satisfying and it honors God. But we need to understand and apply the principle of partnering with God to do our work. We need to begin to see our work as a collaboration, rather than a lone enterprise.

Our abilities, or the lack of them, should only be a guide to how to manage ourselves. They do not need to determine whether we should homeschool. They help us distinguish between the places where we will need to bring in additional resources and the things we can do best ourselves.

So today, read Don Miller's post, and think about how it applies to you. If you're looking for a good winter read, a light book that is refreshing and uplifting, I recommend his A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. You'll find my review of it on The Moonboat Cafe today.

Why I Hit the Wall

I was a first-born, only daughter. I had four brothers and a mother who was too busy trying to make ends meet. Responsibilities fell on my young shoulders. I was trained to be conscious of how everyone around me was doing. I was trained to attend to everyone else's needs. And not my own. My four brothers were "the guys." They resisted doing care-taking tasks. That was girl stuff. So it fell to me. I did it all.

I did not have a real childhood. Growing up in a big family with both parents working and leaning hard on their eldest daughter made me made me an adult too soon. It wasn't anyone's intention. My parents tried to do what seemed best for us. But it worked in my temperament like an iron rod through my spine. I became hyper-vigilant, deadly serious, workaholic. I lived like an adult by the time I was twelve, getting up at 4:00 a.m. to deliver a paper route, taking myself to school, paying for my clothes and lessons, and coming home to cook supper and clean the house before attending to homework. I had to pay my way through college. I rarely played. That was for others.

Years later, with two sons and a husband, I slipped into the old pattern. I did it all. This was my path, the only one I knew, through all of life's challenges. I would work and work and work until the job was done. But with a busy family and a homeschooling agenda, the work was never done. I exhausted myself. No matter how much I did, it wasn't enough. I fell short. I felt sorry for myself and my family, because I couldn't manage the demands.

My inner healing process was complicated and long. There isn't room to discuss it here. But I eventually hit the wall enough times to learn that I had to live in a new pattern.

The reason for my crashes was the doing of too much. Yes, hard things happened. But the crash itself could nearly always be traced to doing too much. I thought I should plan all the lessons, teach all the lessons, keep all the school records, cook all the meals from scratch, keep the house sparkling clean, shop with coupons, decorate for each season and holiday, maintain tidy storage spaces, have everything written on a calendar, never be late, have a beautiful body, and be an exciting lover and companion for my husband.

I couldn't do it all. I just couldn't. And that was my private agony. I thought how sad it was to try as hard as I could, and to fall so far short. I felt like I was living in a tragedy. It took years for me to understand that the life I wanted wasn't found by doing and the things I wanted for my family weren't found through my doing and that doing more was not the path to a satisfying life. My breakthrough happened when I saw that doing so much for everyone else was actually destructive, for me and for my loved ones.

When I was doing too much, I could not focus on what I alone could do. My children needed more responsibility in order to mature and to learn how to live well. My husband needed me to lean on him and let him take care of me. I needed to let others have the joy of helping me. I needed to realize, above all, that the focus of others never was on my ability to get the job done, and as long as my focus was there, I was draining all the joy and creative energy out of my life.

Now you know the one thing that can make me hit the wall. How about you? What can make you hit the wall?

Wonderful

Today I'd love for you to visit Light for My Lamp and read Wonderful.

Hitting the Wall

"Careful, Chet."

Careful digging? What did that mean? Go slow, maybe? I didn't know how to do that, had only one speed for digging -- pedal to the metal. Bernie worked with a steady rhythm, driving in the spade, tossing the dirt over his shoulder, chunk-a-thunk, chunk-a-thunk. Not bad at all. But with four paws going for me, it wasn't really a contest. Did I send that dirt flying or what? Fountains of earth, baby, fountains of earth. We dug underneath the light of the moon, dug and dug until --

Clang.

- Spencer Quinn, Thereby Hangs a Tail (from the dog's perspective)

Every homeschooling friend I have spoken with in the last two weeks has crashed into the iron wall of deep winter.

Yep. They knew it could happen. They've been doing this for years. They knew it was coming, as usual, this mid-year collision following frustrations, disappointments, stress, and surprises, one after another, piled high, rolling over them in an avalanche that wiped out the landmarks they use to gain their bearings.

They knew it was coming, but still they hit the wall. Under the avalanche, they could no longer see out the windshield. It happened in the usual spot at a nasty curve in the road on the route through February.

Yep. They should have taken better care of themselves. They should have paced themselves. They should have been wearing a helmet. And a fire suit, for heaven's sake.

Yep. They should have geared up incrementally after the holidays. They should have shifted gears in a gradual succession of increasing effort. But instead, they dived onto the road at top speed, every man for himself, in a rapid race which could not possibly be maintained without a proper warm-up. The pressure rubbed the tread off their tires. They lost traction. They burned their brakes, overheated their engines, and drove too fast for conditions. Then, at the end, there was an avalanche covering the windshield.

Maybe it's Happened to You, Too

Maybe you've crashed, too. If you have, don't despair. It happens to most of us, and we do survive it. Our homeschools survive it.

So now, what to do? Time to dig out. Time to dig a path through the debris of the crash and pick up the pieces. Repair what can be repaired. Make fountains of earth. And get on with the mission.

But first, take stock. Why did it happen? How did it happen? Where was the first sign that it might? Write this down and keep it in a place where you'll read it next fall before you need it.

Why We Crash

Here are my top seven reasons why moms hit the wall in deep winter. Do you recognize any of these?

• Mom's doing too much. She has been doing things that the kids should be doing for themselves. She's worn out. Ideally, she should be doing only those things that she alone can do or that she does best. But instead, she has been doing it all, doing way too much, and she's been reluctant to ask for help. She needs to look for creative and consistent ways to delegate the tasks someone else can do, and remember that it's not easier to just do everything yourself.

• Mom's not doing enough. She is not giving her kids guidance or listening time or discipline or accountability where it's needed. The kids are drifting, bored, and frustrated from the lack of accountability, boundaries, and clear expectations. This is one of the irreplaceable things that only she can do.

• Mom's not shifting gears to go with the flow of life. She hasn't been able to warm up to the idea of taking a break or slowing her pace. Instead, she's rigidly holding to an artificial standard that does not fit her current situation. She needs more flexibility so she can adjust her speed or break larger tasks into smaller mini-steps or stop for a breather once in a while.

• Mom needs new management skills. She needs to learn how to work more efficiently, how to delegate, how to keep a calendar, and how to plan a week. Her typical work habits are fine for low-stress times, but when life presents more challenges, she needs better skills to maneuver through them. She needs more order in her home, too, and she'll feel better if she clears the clutter.

• Mom needs more help. She's only one person and she just can't do everything. She needs to hire some help with the housework or hire some tutors or use some online courses or send her bored teenager to community college classes. She doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to be needy or spend more money, so she hasn't fully admitted it to herself. But she should get some help. It'll cost less in the long run if she does it soon.

• Mom needs a whole new system, a whole new paradigm for her school days. Her kids have outgrown her routine -- as kids periodically do. They're beginning to chafe under the pressure of a system that doesn't fit them quite. The old ways just don't work well now. Mom needs fresh ways to run the household and run the schoolroom. As our kids grow, moms have to grow and adapt, too. It's time for her to read a book for ideas or talk to an experienced friend and brainstorm for solutions.

• Mom needs a break. Because hard things have happened. We all have years like that. I had several myself. Just know it will get better. Yes, it will.

These aren't all of the causes of winter burnout. These are just the ones I've noticed most often in myself and my friends. What's one thing that can push you into the wall?

Snow Lessons

For your enjoyment, here is a magnified photograph of a snowflake. Below, you'll find articles on snowflakes. These could be used as for a fun science lesson :

• Are No Two Snowflakes Really Alike?

• Is Each Snowflake Really Unique?

• Snow Crystals

Take a break from your routine and enjoy something different!

Oh, and this lesson goes sooo much better alongside a mug of hot cocoa with those itty bitty marshmallows floating on top . . .

A New Beginning

A mother is a person who

seeing there are only four pieces of pie

for five people,

promptly announces she never did care for pie.

~Tenneva Jordan

You can read more about my discoveries as a young mother at Light for my Lamp today.

When Life Doesn't Work: Stop and Play

I know this may sound like I've gone out of my mind. But honestly, it does work. Amazingly well, in fact. If you do it, really do it, you can tap into a whole new energy level. You can find a place where the creativity flows from you in a steady stream and you can find your way through almost any difficulty and restore your soul in the midst of it.

Consider this: the power of joy.

Studies have shown that joyful experiences greatly increase creativity and productivity. I tested it myself and found that it's true. Getting away from the work for a bit and being refreshed and playing at something releases my brain to explore new solutions. I find new energy. I find answers. I return to my work with a better and wiser perspective.

But there's a catch. Actually three.

First, I have to really let go of everything -- lose myself in a a playful, genuinely refreshing way that recharges my soul. Beauty does this. Hearing and reading the stories of other people restore my perspective. Exercise helps. Often, getting away to a completely new setting and forgetting entirely about whatever it was that upset me so much is the most effective thing I can do. This only works if I allow myself to become completely immersed and savor it without any guilt and without thinking, for once, about what everyone else would like. This is about recharging my batteries, not theirs.

Second, I must have the discipline to return to my work. It defeats the purpose if I leave the problems and play and never come back to them. I generally do best when I set some kind of time frame for myself, like going away for a couple of hours or an afternoon. Then I need to make an appointment with myself for when the work will resume. Turning back to work takes discipline, especially if the work hasn't been going well.

Third, I should continue to take regular smaller breaks. If I utterly exhaust myself and burn out, then I try to recharge with one coffee break, it just isn't enough. I can't make up for months of neglect with one hour of dessert. And I'll lose all the benefits of joy if I let the work hammer away at me with unrelenting noise. To sustain my new advantage, I need a couple of smaller breaks of 5-15 minutes a day, every day for the rest of the week.

Once a week, I should get away completely for an hour or two. This isn't possible every single week with a busy family. But if a month has passed and I have not done it, I know my life has become unbalanced. I am working too much, too hard, without any breaks, and I am headed for burnout. The longer I work without paying attention to joy, the less and less effective I become.

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What's one thing you like to do that really takes you away from it all?

When Life Doesn't Work: Try Mini-Steps

Why is it the ship beats the waves when the waves are so many and the ship is one?

The reason is that the ship has a purpose.

--Winston Churchill

Setting goals during challenging times is an acquired skill. This is because what normally works for you won't.

But you can still make progress.

Knowing how to do this is crucial to your success over the long haul. Because some days, some months, and even some years will be littered with unexpected setbacks and problems. This is typical to the experience of raising a family. In fact, it's more typical than days where things go smoothly and your plans are executed without a hitch.

When this happens, when you have day after day of spoiled plans, you can start to feel like the road you've taken was a mistake. You're hitting one icy patch after another, and the year seems to be sliding out of control.

What can you do when life hits the ice?

The first thing, and the most essential, is to slow down. I know this is frustrating to even consider. But it will help you gain traction and make steady progress forward, instead of stalling completely. Moving forward, even by small increments, is better than standing still.

One simple technique is to focus on accomplishing mini-steps. Divide your daily learning objectives into smaller components. Work on the next mini-step, then the next, then the next. As you break lessons down into mini-steps that are achievable and measurable, let your personal goal be simply to attempt the next mini-step with a positive attitude. Then, after several mini-steps have been accomplished, you can reward earnest effort with praise for your kids and something pleasurable and concrete for everyone involved.

When my sons were overwhelmed by a lesson and we could make no progress, I learned to break our lesson down into tiny units. This almost always worked wonders.

I figured out ways to do this with housework and meals. This let me take advantage of small snippets of unused time. It's amazing how much housework can get done in one-minute to five-minute increments! While I'll never win any awards for the beauty of my home during these times, I can get the basics done until better days arrive.

I've learned to do this with personal disciplines, as well. If I can't do much Bible study, I can read one verse and think about it. Or I can read one Psalm and offer thanks to God over breakfast. If I can't walk for an hour, I can do one brisk mile in 15 minutes at the end of the school day, or first thing in the morning. Better yet, I can walk and pray at the same time. That's enough to keep me connected to God in a vital way and in decent physical condition until I have more time. Although this doesn't create big strides in my personal life, I'm not losing ground, either. And it's much easier to take advantage of new opportunities if I'm already doing something.

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Is there a task that is frustrating you right now? How can you break it down into mini-steps?

photograph, copyright 2010 by Benjamin Frear.

When Life Doesn't Work: Check Your Compass

If you're like the rest of us, the winter months are uniquely challenging. When life isn't working, it's important to check on your internal compass. Where were you heading in the first place?

What was it that you were trying to accomplish? What was your vision?

When you set goals that require the cooperation of others, you can't control whether or not you achieve them. That creates a situation which can make you feel anxious, frustrated, even depressed.

If you are trying to teach children, you aim for them to learn! That's your hope!

But it requires that they do something. So it can't be your exact goal on a given day.

For peace and sustained inspiration, you need goals that are achievable and that are not dependent on the cooperation of other people and your circumstances. It's better to focus on what you can do. But even here, the way can be a slippery slope. You can plan to teach a lesson, cook dinner, and take out the trash. These are almost satisfactory. They are concrete, specific objectives based on an action you take. You will achieve them as long as unexpected events do not occur, over which you have no control. And let's be honest -- how often does that happen? At least once a week. Sometimes, it's every day.

See what I mean?

You work with people and for people. That means all your objectives are conditional. They require that others cooperate and that conditions are in your favor. When important goals are blocked, you're likely to feel frustrated, angry, depressed, even despairing.

You could throw in the towel. Just give up. But often, that's not a good solution. Because you love your people.

If you adjust your goals to ones that you can control, no matter what happens, and if you realize that a lot of stuff probably will happen, every week, you will be in a better position to maneuver through the unexpected.

This is what I want to talk with you about next week.

But first, I want your thoughts . . .

What's one goal you can set for yourself this weekend which does not require cooperation from others or your circumstances?

When Life Doesn't Work: Find a Friend

I just learned that January 25th is the day of the year we are most likely to be depressed. The holidays have been over for a month, and we can't ride that wave of excitement and goodwill anymore. Credit card bills are rolling in. Winter heating bills are rolling in. Storms and the cold are keeping us inside, uncomfortable, harassed. Less sunlight means fewer "feel good" chemicals in our bodies. Many of us aren't getting enough exercise, so we feel sluggish. Quite a few of us have already abandoned our New Year's resolutions, or we are about to. As we throw in the towel and cry, "Uncle," we are sure our life isn't working -- but not sure why.

This is the season of the dumps.

If a mother is ever going to struggle with her decision to raise a family or stay at home or teach her children, now is the time. I've been telling women about this phenomenon for twenty years as I watched almost every friend I have slam into the winter wall of wallops. Finally, I have the scientific research to back it up!

For homeschooling moms, this is compounded by the fact that we do all our work with people. And all the people in our house are feeling the same way we are. It's expressed through each personality differently. Some people grow more irritable, some get antsy, some slouch towards depression. I usually just felt like doing something wild. Throwing furniture out the window. Running away. Living at a hotel for two weeks without my children.

If I was ever going to wonder if I was losing my mind, this was the time.

So when LIFE ISN'T WORKING, check the season you're in. New baby? Then it'll take you four times longer to do everything. Toddler demanding his place in the world? You'll feel like tearing out your hair by noon. Teenagers in the house? Watch those hormonal moods and be prepared for irrational behavior. Menopause on your horizon? You'll wonder where your brain went.

Pause and take a deep breath.

Which of the issues you're facing are just part of the season you are in?

If they are seasonal, then they don't mean you are in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing with your life. This will pass. Go out for coffee. Have a tall cup of frothy dreams with foam piled on top. Chat with a friend who understands or with your husband. Get it all off your chest. Start by saying, "I just need to vent." Then, afterwards, you can laugh and know that better days are ahead.

Even if you can't solve any of it, just talking to a friend will help you more than you think it can.

Trust me on this one. You need to feel that you aren't alone and the stress is temporary. And who knows? Maybe your friend or your husband will have an idea that will make passing through this time easier.

When Life Doesn't Work: Delegate!

You may not need this advice.

But I needed it. Every day.

When things weren't going well, when we were stuck, when the lessons were impossible, when I felt like throwing furniture out a window, I needed someone to ask me this question.

Is there something here that you should not be doing? Could someone else do part of it, or do it better? Should you delegate to others? Should you pay someone to do this?

Once I felt responsible for getting a job done, I usually felt that I had to do it myself. I had many reasons for this, all sensible and sound and well-furnished with logic. But I didn't consider it this way: I was responsible for getting it done, not for doing it myself.

It was best for me to concentrate on those tasks and activities that only I could do. Once I had completed those, I should turn to the tasks that I could do best. This was the highest use of my time and energy. The rest could be delegated, either to my children or to a service or to a product or to a machine or to a person I paid.

The result? More time to do those things for which I was irreplaceable. More time for me to rest and take care of myself. Less burnout, less stress, less compromise on what really mattered.

Even though we were on a budget and I had to choose my expenditures carefully, I found that with a little creativity, I had a lot of options for delegating. And it was not only better for me, but better for the entire family. Freeing up my time meant I had more to spend on solving problems, brainstorming for solutions and creative ideas, and building character and depth into my children. It meant I had more time for my own personal growth, which ultimately was the one thing I needed, far more than good ideas and problem-solving skills.

The lesson I learned? I can't do it all. I can't do all the things I think I should be able to do. I can't do all the things I want to do. But if I choose carefully, and delegate the rest, I can do the things that matter most. And that helps to build a life worth living.

Are you doing things that someone else could do? How could you delegate them? What might you find more time to do or do better -- if you delegated more?

When Life Doesn't Work: Listen More

Like background music, the needs of your children play around you -- on good days and bad days, in moments of excitement and moments of quiet. There are so many needs. Some of them urgent, some of them whimsy, some of them important. It's easy to become deaf over time to what matters, simply because of the constant noise.

This is why, when things aren't going well, you may need to stop for a minute and think about what you haven't heard.

Is there something you may not have heard from your children that would help you understand why this isn't working? Or is there a reason why they aren't hearing you?

When we were all miserable, when the lesson wasn't progressing, when nothing seemed to be working, this was often the answer. Most of the time, I just needed to listen more: somebody needed to be heard or needed to feel heard. Misunderstanding was nearly always at the bottom of the trouble.

It takes time to do this kind of listening. You have to stop what you are doing and ask questions. After you listen to the answers, you probably should ask some more questions and listen again.

It's helpful to repeat back what you think you've heard. To reflect the idea back to the person who just spoke and wait for confirmation. This makes the speaker feel heard. It also helps you be sure you understand what was meant.

I can't tell you how many times this has made all the difference for us. I almost never listen as much as I could.

How about you? When was the last time you listened quietly to your children and just asked questions? How did it help?

When Life Doesn't Work: Check Simple Needs First

I just spent five hours to completing a job that should have taken two. I was slow, inefficient, and clumsy. I fumbled. I dropped things. I felt thick in the head.

There is no reason for it, none that I can see. I shouldn't have been particularly tired or stressed or distracted. I was just ineffective. Still, I plodded along, because I wanted to finish the job. In hindsight, I am not sure this was my best option.

Do you ever feel this way?

At the point where you realize that you are not working effectively, what do you do? The reason I'm asking is this: when you see that the work is eating up too much time and energy, you can make a decision. This is true in the school room, too.

That will be our focus for the next few days -- how to cope when life isn't going as well as we think it should. Because much of the time, we encounter resistance to our goals for the day. How we respond to this is important for our success in the long run.

A big part of responding wiselyis to ask questions that help you assess why.

The first question to ask is: Are there physical needs that are keeping you from doing your best work? Would it make more sense to address those now and then get back to work?

Maybe you need to get something to eat. Maybe a short nap would help. Maybe a strong cup of coffee would charge your battery. Or perhaps you'd be more focused at another time of day. If you aren't quite well, you could be resisting the idea of taking some over-the-counter meds when you really should stop and take care of yourself. When I have a cold or a headache, it's amazing what Tylenol and Dimetapp can do for my energy level.

Maybe your children need something to eat. A recess break might make everyone fresh again. A nap or quiet time could give the day a new start. Perhaps one of your students has a headache or is feeling a bit under the weather. It was amazes me that I had to ask for this information.

But my kids often didn't tell me. What's more, they weren't always aware of what the problem was.

But here's the thing: many times what appeared to be an attitude problem or a comprehension problem was just a physical problem. Not only that, it was a physical problem that could be solved.

Can you think of a time in your own life when things weren't working well because of an underlying physical problem? How did you solve it?

Winning the Paper Chase -- RePost!

Our two greatest problems are gravity and paper work. We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paper work is overwhelming.

- Dr Wember von Braun,

quoted from Time Management for Unmanageable People

How did we win the paper chase?

Simple. We stored it automatically. That way, it never had a chance to pile up.

One of our biggest problems with paper was that, although we had a school room, we homeschooled all over the house. No amount of planning could prevent this. I learned that if you have the space, you are going to spread out and fill it. That's just the way it is. So instead of fighting this natural trend, I decided to embrace it. I began seeing every room as a room where school took place.

I put magazine racks beside every reading chair or couch. I put open containers by every desk. Whatever was being used -- read or written in -- went into the open container as the student stood up. When someone forgot to do this, we could toss the stuff into the container next time we walked by. It all went in together -- all of it. Not because that's how I thought we should organize. But because that was the only way to make it happen. It had to be automatic.

When the containers were so full of clutter and paper that they were overflowing, I would clean them out. I would take an hour on a weekend and put the papers either in the trash, in a portfolio binder, or back into the container. Occasionally, an object really belonged in a bedroom. Books that were finished went back on the shelves.

Magazine racks and crates sat by each bed to collect books, periodicals, and papers. My kids read and wrote all over the house, even when falling asleep. As they reached to turn out the light, they could drop whatever was in their hands into an open container waiting by the bedside table. This was automatic storage, right in the path of motion.

A large crate sat by the breakfast table. As we rose from the table, the daily paper was dropped into it. No more newspaper clutter. When the box was full, we emptied it. Automatic storage again, right in the path of motion.

Twice a year, I bought stacks of paper folders with pockets for 15 cents each at Staples. I used them to hold all the papers associated with a topic. This worked really well most of the time. A study of Hamlet, grammar rules, science experiments, the second World War, a presentation for writing class -- these could be collected into a paper folder as we studied and worked. The paper folder could be dropped into an open container. The next day, we could find it all again.

We started buying spiral-bound notebooks for each subject and using them, instead of loose notebook paper. This way, the work was stored as it was being done. The pages were in chronological order, and none of them were lost. This made the record keeping* easy to do. There were no more wild, desperate hunts for missing documents.

In every room of the house, I asked:

• What is happening here?
• Where is it happening?
• Where can I put open containers on the path of motion?
• Even better, is there a way to store the supplies as the work is being done?

These questions guided me in creating order that could be maintained throughout the year. My kids were happy because they could learn spontaneously and freely. I was happy because we were not drowning in paper. While it's true that our home would never have been the subject of a magazine article on neatness, this worked in real life for us.

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*In Pennsylvania, homeschoolers create an annual portfolio of the student's work. If you don't use a binder to store school work, hanging folders in a box are a good second choice.

The Paper Chase - RePost!

While we're talking about recharging yourself by decluttering, we should re-visit "The Paper Chase."

_________________

Where is the school room in your house? Are you happy with it? Does it work well for all of the things you and your children do? Does it tend to be messy? Can you find things when you want them?

If you are like us and most of our friends, homeschooling is messy. We had a grandmother who would stop by for visits and poke her head into our school . . .

"Oh my, what a busy room," she would say, "What a busy room!"

Busy, it was. When my sons were learning at home, I felt like I was holding back a wall of clutter that might flood the house and cover everything. Some nights, I dreamed that the paper and books grew until there was no room for us, and we escaped through a window and ran down the street. But the next morning, it was clear that escape was not possible. I would not get out of this so easily. I had to make peace with our paper habit if I was going to keep my sanity.

We picked up after ourselves, mind you. I was constantly picking up and putting away. But the mess grew a little more every time I turned my back on it. I used to say that paper was our house weed. It was an unruly thing that popped up in every crack, every bare spot, every place where there was light and moisture.

I had shelves. We used them. There was a desk for each person with drawers to keep their personal effects out of the general fray. I had labeled boxes. Our school room had threetrashcans. Never mind. The paper still piled up under the windows, on the desk tops, over the couch in the living room, at the kitchen table on the family room coffee table, by the beds, and on the floor where the cats liked to claw at it and chew on it. Even our animals were paper-crazed. They thought every piece of paper was material for a paper ball to chase.

My sons would make stacks of paper balls and then toss them, one at the time, for each cat. Down the hall, bumping on the steps, through the foyer, under the furniture, into baskets and shoes, under tables, the paper wads went. Anywhere and everywhere, the cats chased their paper -- tumbling down the stairs, sliding across the wood floors when they couldn't stop in time, even crashing into walls and doors. As I watched their antics one evening, I realized that this was what I was doing, too. I was chasing paper!

In this kingdom of paper, with a paper-glaze over my eyes, stacks of paper around me, and paper-lovers in every room of the house, I slowly worked my way toward a sort of order that kept a lid on the chaos. What I am saying is -- over time, with practice, with trial and error, we did eventually put our problems with paper behind us.

How did we do it? What worked? What didn't?

Tomorrow, I will be sharing our secrets to winning the paper chase.

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Where does the paper in your house pile up?

The Word in Hard Times

The unfolding of your words gives light;

it imparts understanding to the simple.

-Psalm 119 ESV

A homeschooling friend mentioned to me recently that she is so busy with the demands of school and home that she is finding it hard to spend much time in Bible study and prayer.

This happens to most us of at various points along the way.

Homeschooling can be labor intensive. And it's a job where you live at the office. That makes it complicated. Your day isn't divided between work and personal life. The demands swirl around you all the time. I think that can make it much harder to take care of your own personal needs.

This is a re-post from my former blog on a simple, low-stress way to have a quiet time when it's not easy to do.

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There are times in life when we are bowed down under the weight of cares. Our schedules are demanding more of us than we can manage to give, or we are carrying the burdens of personal pain, or we are simply facing too many challenges.

Illness, a move, a new child, a loss, unemployment, relational distress -- things like these can strip our ability to concentrate and focus. During a very trying period in my life, I was listlessly wandering through a bookstore one afternoon when I picked up a book about the spiritual life and came across a suggestion that was a breath of fresh air.

Meditate on a psalm a day. With the exception of Psalm 119, which is very long and should be read in sections, this practice creates a simple and achievable devotional time. Not only is this a soothing change of pace, but it is ideal for those who are burdened. The voices in the Psalms can reassure us because many of them speak from hard places.

Whenever I read the Psalms, I can see that I am not alone. I know God understands. I can read and let the words wash over me. I can meditate for a few minutes on a verse or passage that is meaningful. I can briefly write my reflections, or write nothing at all.

I have returned to this discipline again and again in the hard times of my life, and I have always found comfort and strength in it.

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Do you have a favorite Psalm from the Bible?

Personal Favorite for 2009

Here's my favorite post from 2009.

It's a good thing to think about in January when everyone is a bit sluggish after the holidays. Do you have room in your day for some slow time?

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Slow Time

There were things we did that worked so well, we returned to them fall after fall. With the turning of the days and nights, like birds migrating to their winter resting places, we came back to a place we had carved for ourselves in the great effort to learn. One of these things was our reading period.

In the mornings, the boys had a simple breakfast which they prepared of cereal, fruit, breads, and a hot drink. Then they settled down in a comfortable spot and read for at least an hour. I used this time to read my Bible, pray over my life, and organize the day in my head. I did not do any housework. I did not make any phone calls. In fact, we did not answer the phone at all during this time. We did not anxiously attend to school lessons or jobs where we had fallen behind. None of that existed for us during this morning hour. It was a time set apart, a slow time.

Slow time because the sun slowly rose up above the trees. Slow because we didn't have to live fast, at least not for this little while. Slow because it didn't matter, in this space, how efficient we were. We could just be.

The boys read books that they had picked out. Then sometimes, as they grew older, they read books we had picked out together and an occasional book that I assigned. They read real books -- classics -- timeless stories. They watched as Huckleberry Finn floated down the Mississippi. They saw Laura Ingalls dance to Pa's fiddle in the middle of the empty prairie before the people filled it. They sailed with Captain Jack, brave commander, to faraway seas. They watched as All Creatures Great and Small found a place of help in time of need. They discovered the tomb of King Tut in the depths of Egypt with Howard Carter. They went there and back again with Bilbo Baggins. They discovered the terrible truth with Hamlet and watched him find the courage to act. As they read, they learned about life, love, and truth.

We all learned together. We imagined ourselves in the places we had read. We studied the landscape, ate the food, heard the music. We read the great books -- long, and slow.

I confess that I did work to make it happen. When they were very young, I read to them every day. This gave them a warm feeling associated with reading time. It was special, something to anticipate and to relish. We made regular jaunts to the library where they were allowed to check out any books that seemed appropriate for them. I deliberately created sections of the house that were attractive reading nooks, full of books and big stuffed chairs and couches; warm reading lamps and convenient side tables; places where they could pile their books and things and relax. I never, ever scolded them for spilled drinks or messes that happened when they read or piles of books left behind, although I did occasionally try to help us plan for reading areas that would clean up easily and for ways to prevent accidents. I often played classical music very softly while they read, and I sometimes allowed them to have an extra treat during the reading hour.

This became my sons' favorite time of the day. Now, after moving on to adult lives, they still recall it. They tell me that one of the best things homeschooling gave to them was the time to read books. Each of them read 100 books of literary merit, many of them classics, in high school alone. It's a treasure to them now. And to me.

Hard as this is to believe, it's the truth: in spite of all the benefits, I did not properly esteem our reading time. I did not, while we were homeschooling, understand just how important it was. But now, if I could select just one element of the day to put down on a schedule, this would be the one.

Have a reading hour. Keep it fun. Keep it sacred. Keep it slow.

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Copyright August 2009 by Cassandra Frear.

Best of 2009

I've been waiting to re-post this until the right moment.

This is the right moment.

Chrissy's poignant post last week about feeling burned out confirmed my sense that this is it.

Are you feeling burned out? Does it seem as though you can never get on top of it all? Do you feel inadequate? Do you wonder why others seem to be able to do this easily and naturally while you are struggling to get through the week?

You're not alone.

I've felt that way. Often. What I finally realized is that it didn't mean I was inadequate. Homeschooling can make us feel that way because of the high demands and lack of positive feedback and isolation. The feeling of being overwhelmed will occur at low points throughout the year, and it's perfectly normal to experience it.

Maybe you have tried a lot of the things you've read on Apple Pie this month. Maybe none of them have helped. Maybe you just feel flat.

That's right. Flat.

For you, I am sharing the best (and most popular) post from 2009. In your honor. For you I suggest a weekend where you do only things that you enjoy, where you take a complete break from it all. Do things that bring you joy. Not things for school. Not things for the children. Not things that have been bothering you because they aren't done. Just do things that you enjoy doing. Play. Sleep. Treat yourself. Maybe you need more than a weekend. Maybe you even need to get a sitter once a week and just take a break, get out of the house, pamper yourself a bit.

After that, you can get back to solving problems.

It won't fix everything. I know that. But in time, this awful feeling you have will diminish. Just hang in there, and know that every time things don't go as you expected, you can learn a bit more about how you can do better.

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Rest

When my mama sit down, it's like the whole world be resting.

- from a poem by a second grade-student,

quoted in Word Painting by Rebecca McClanahan

It's been a long year. But you have rested a little while, and there are tasks calling. You might, just possibly, gain a bit of leverage by starting to work now, filling your sacks of heavy sand and beginning the line of a wall along the river of next year's demands. The river will rise. We all know it. Not next week, but maybe in a month, certainly in December with the storms of busyness over the holidays, and likely in the spring with all of its expectations.

But now, at this moment, your world is calm. The house rests, because you, Mama, are resting. Didn't you know that? That your family can't really rest, not sink deep into comfort like a downy pillow on a rainy afternoon, unless you are resting, too? Your body at rest, and your mind at rest, and your heart at rest, cast a blessing of rest over your small world. It breathes when you rest, and smiles while it breathes like a child sleeping through a happy dream.

Rest a little longer than you need to. Still that nervous tick which makes you get up to clean the closet, or order the books, or put away shoes left out in the hall. Instead, when you awake each morning this week, notice the dance of green leaves outside your window, the small sounds of your children over breakfast, the rope of muscle cascading down your husband's forearm, the warmth of a chuckle deep in his throat, and the feel of your bare feet on the floor. Savor your first cup like you have all the time of a lifetime. Let the flavor of your fresh fruit charge your senses. Listen to the music around you. Can you feel it? This is the sweetness of home.

Drink in the moment. Your children will never be this age again. One day, they will have forgotten what they were. But you can remember it, and wrap it about you in years to come, if you dare to stop moving and notice it now.

Soon, it will be time to work. Soon, the year will come bustling in with its heavy load of packages for you to open and organize. But no one knocks at your door on this day. The packages have not yet arrived. You do not have to work, not yet.

Most of the advantage you could gain by resting is found here, in the last week or two of summer break, if you know how to use it. The biggest problem you face is not a tired mind or a tired body, but a tired heart. Raising a family is not just a physical battle. Your heart is probably more weary than you know. You may have rested your body, caught up on some sleep, done a few things for family fun, even taken a trip or two. But your heart – how is it? Have you been quiet long enough lately to see what’s there?

What does it show you? What are you longing for? Take some time for it. Nourish the secret places of your soul with stillness, with beauty, with music, with words, with joyful things. Make some personal changes, if you need to. Perhaps you should find a sitter for your children, in order to have some time for yourself.

Often we move out to do more as soon as we begin to feel better. Often, it’s too soon. Rest, instead, just a day -- or a week -- longer. You’ll be glad you did.

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Copyright July 2009 by Cassandra Frear