A Pathway in the Mind

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."

— Henry David Thoreau

I like this quote by Thoreau. I am thinking about how true it is.

Our moving schedule was compacted dramatically for me by a set of unexpected developments. I have less time to pack up my household than I thought. I never envisioned a scenario like this one and was completely unprepared.

When presented with the choices, I weighed all the pros and cons and considered the aspects of our circumstances. I picked an early date that seemed to be the soonest one that was also reasonable, even though it was a little later than our buyer would have preferred. Now, I wonder, what was I thinking? Didn't I realize how much stuff we have?

I've worked feverishly for two days. Everything we own is being sorted into three categories: long-term storage; short-term storage; and keep-close-at-hand. It's not packing like any I have done before. It's complicated. Members of the family must be consulted. We have to do all of this ourselves. Other people can't make these decisions. Try as I might, the clock seems to be moving faster than I can. It now seems like a fool's folly to get it all done in a week. The house had been pared down, yes, for showing. It's not like we are starting at the beginning. But still, we've a long way to go, and the time I figured we had is now shorter than I ever guessed it might be.

During challenges like this, the quality of the thoughts I have habitually chosen can either give me wings or chain me to the ground. I have to choose, nearly every hour, to be patient and to have faith. It would be so easy to give into anxiety or a sense of despair. This is a time for courage, for hope, for love, and yes, for patience.

Have you ever noticed how these crises catch us unexpectedly? We know they might happen. But we are usually not expecting them in the way they come, or at the time they arrive. For me, there is always a sense that I have only whatever I've already walked out every day. No time to get ready. That was yesterday. This is today. Anything I don't have, I will just do without.

And it's a reminder that I need to build depth into my character and live wisely, making the most of my time. For I know neither the hour, nor the day, of my testing.

Staying Mentally Fit: #10 Have Faith

For some of you, this one is obvious. For others, it will be a surprise. Why is faith in a list of rules for staying mentally strong?

In my post on rule #7 (Take the Long View), I give an example of how God helped me through a time that was hard. His help was what enabled me to wait and keep trying. I believe that God is communicating with us a lot of the time -- through books and articles that we read, through songs we hear, through the kind and uplifting words of a friend, through the love of family, through the beauty of the earth, even through an occasional radio talk show. He also sometimes speaks to us by placing a thought in our minds -- one that we would not have considered otherwise or that reminds us of something important. It has happened to me on many occasions. God is reaching out to us with truth, with beauty, with encouragement, even with loving discipline in the areas where we are stubborn.

When I have talked about this with other moms, they usually tell me that they believe it could happen, but they haven't experienced it. The longer we talk, the more evident it becomes, from what they tell me, that He has, in fact, been showing them things all along. They didn't recognize that these things were from God. They didn't pay much attention to most of it. They are surprised to learn that God is reaching out to them. They are shocked when later, as we continue our discussions, they realize how available He is to them whenever they truly need Him.

What could be better than help from God?

In almost every case, we homeschool because God has drawn us to it. We have a conviction that we must make sacrifices so that we can offer this unusual experience, this different way of learning, to our children. Whether we know it or not, the fact that we are compelled by our convictions to do this is a movement of God in our lives. He is also interested in helping us succeed. I think He cares very much about it.

How can we receive more help from Him?

I am going to make three simple, practical suggestions. On the surface, they don't look particularly impressive. You may even roll your eyes. Go ahead. I don't mind. I know what you might be thinking. At one point, I thought the same thing. But now that I have the perspective that comes with having finished the race, I can guarantee you that this is far more important that it appears to be in the midst of all that you are trying to get done.

1. Read the Bible. Any way you want to do it. Read a Psalm a day. Get a chronological Bible and read it like a novel. Listen to a recording of it. Read a single verse. You need to be in the habit of living with these words and stories of God with His people as the backdrop to your thoughts. In this way, you will be building an inner library of wisdom that you can draw upon when you need it. God can also use that memory bank to remind you of important truths and insights. Find a habit that works for you -- in the morning, over lunch, at night after brushing your teeth. Keep in mind that the best Bible reading program for you is the one that you will actually do.

2. Talk to God. You need to be telling Him about what is happening in your life and asking for His help. He often simply waits to be asked. Why? Because He wants a relationship, and that means He wants you to know He did something for you, and that means you need to ask first. If you are like most of us, you will need to experiment a little to find a way that is vibrant and enjoyable for you. You can talk with Him while you take a walk, while you garden, while you clean, while you are in the shower. You can write in a journal and write down your prayers. You can go to a special place, like a park or a sanctuary, or to no special place at all. I know one friend who talks to God while taking a bubble bath. This brings me to a final, rather unsettling idea, which is that perhaps you should consider how to make it enjoyable. We tend to continue doing the things we enjoy. You are more likely to develop a habit that is rewarding. How can you make it fun? I don't think, by the way, that God will mind. He will just be glad you are spending time with Him.

3. Listen. If we have the expectation that God will be present and involved, and we watch for Him, we will begin to see Him in more places. There are several ways to help ourselves become more receptive and attentive. One of the best ways I have found is to sit still after talking with Him and pay attention to the thoughts that come to mind. I jot those down and ponder them for a while. Usually, it's pretty obvious that they are from God by their content -- they focus on how to love and serve others better. Occasionally, there is an insight that I need to pray about and talk over with my husband before acting on it. The women I have helped are always able to hear from God in this way, but they are suprised that this is actually God communicating with them. "You mean, that's it? That's God?" Yes!

There are also unexpected events in the development of a deeper relationship with God. As we become more open to communication from Him, He begins to communicate with us more. Sometimes, He will interrupt our thoughts or something we are doing, always with the goal of helping us or helping others. We should pay attention to these promptings and heed them. This has happened to me many times, and I don't think I'm unusual. I think this is one of the ways that God works on our behalf.

The essential thing about these three suggestions I have made is that you do them nearly every day. If they become a habit, you will make room for God so that He can fill your life with truth and encouragement and insight. That will help you stay mentally strong. You will have a perspective that is sound and the personal strength to transcend the daily struggles with a larger vision.

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Author's Note: For our "10 Rules for Staying Mentally Strong," I am indebteded to Dr. Bob Rotella for the original idea of presenting these concepts. I realized that these important guidelines for homeschoolers could be packaged in this way when I was recently reading his article, 10 Rules for How to Win Your Major, in the June 2009 issue of Golf Digest. Basically, this is my take on keeping the homeschool mom mentally fit for her best game.

Staying Mentally Strong: # 9 Make Peace With Yourself

What I have learned from years of counseling and mentoring is that most homeschooling mothers have an image of the ideal that they carry with them wherever they go. This ideal "teaching mother" is a summation of the many things they have read, religious classes they have attended, sermons they have heard, seminars they have enjoyed, books they have read, women they have watched, even Bible passages they have treasured. She is the summation of the best of everything and of their longings for a beautiful and meaningful life. Each person's ideal is a little different, but most of us have one.

We think the ideal inspires us to grow. But we are wrong. I know, because I labored under my ideal for years -- trying to be the person I thought I should be and lamenting how far I fell short. One thing I noticed after a while was that my fictional heroine was not like me. She had strengths where I had weaknesses. She had qualities I admired, but had never owned. I found that with each additional year, she grew more vivid, more lovely, and more unattainable.

Under it's constant demands, homeschooling has a way of making our shortcomings look gaudy and glaring. We look for ways to improve. We look for examples of people who do well what we do poorly. This isn't a bad impulse. The only problem with it is that the role models we select, because they are so different from us, are ones we will never successfully imitate. We end up chasing the person we can never be. This is what I discovered when I started helping other homeschooling families. Most moms, even the best ones, feel like they are failing. They don't measure up to their ideal, their sense of what ought to be.

Shouldn't we have something to aim for, so that we might improve? In a word, yes. But that's where things get tricky. Your personal best will be very different from mine, or anyone else's. Ultimately, to grow into your best version of yourself, you must make peace with what you are. You must embrace your quirks, your weaknesses, your strengths, the unique way in which you learn and function, the way you tick. You will not do everything well. You will do some things exceptionally well. Does it matter what you naturally do best? Not really. Your children are walking the same path, coming to grips with their own limitations and realizing their own unique potential. If there is a single gift that homeschooling brings us, it is the freedom to honor our unique design and to succeed in a way that is authentic to who we are.

It's hard to give up the ideal. But once you leave it behind, as something that isn't really all that helpful, you will find a new freedom, a breath of fresh air. Find some other way to accomplish the things you don't do well. Delegate those tasks to someone else, or work around them. Concentrate on your strengths and leverage those to the greatest advantage. That's how you will give something to your children that is beautiful, unique, and irreplaceable. Embrace all the aspects of your own personal design. Model for your children the self-acceptance and awareness you hope they will acquire. Make peace with your weaknesses and mistakes. Most of all, stop comparing yourself to anyone else.

You are a thing of beauty and a giver of joy. Just as you are.

Staying Mentally Strong: #8 Find Encouragers

This may seem like a contradiction of rule #4 (Be Selective) but it isn't.

There is advice you should follow. It's the advice that works well for you and for your family. It's the advice that touches your heart and makes you feel more alive. It's the advice that changes your world. This advice will come to you in the context of a warm, respectful relationship with others who are experienced with their own families and understand your context or who are gifted teachers.

Homeschooling is a very unique setting with its own peculiar demands, stresses, and needs. It's very difficult for anyone who has not actually homeschoooled to advise you successfully about how to do it. This is not a statement on their general wisdom or ability to help -- just an acknowledgement that the most meaningful advice will typically come from those who have walked on the same path, or very occasionally, from teachers who understand learning deeply and have expertise in a particular subject. In any other profession, you would expect the same: the advice that would be the most helpful for you would generally come from those within your industry or profession, or from someone who specializes in an area where they have a very high degree of insight and knowledge.

How will you know that the advice is in this special category of genuine helpfulness? Trust me. You will know. There are clear signs. You will sense a shift in your understanding, your perspective, or your resolve to change. You will feel uplifted by it. Your heart will be touched. You will feel strengthened. It will be just the thing you needed. You will add another piece to the puzzle of how to make all this work. You will want to listen more. The response of your family will be very positive, at times even amazing, to this person's suggestions. You will find that this person has the ability to inspire you to grow and make helpful suggestions, while at the same time leaving you free to decide for yourself and making you feel smarter and more competent.

There are a handful of individuals who have been this way for me. My soul seemed to be shaped so that their words slipped into the secret places and expanded into clear understanding. I needed what they had to tell me so badly, it was as though their voices were the voices of angels. Interestingly, they did not offer me unsolicited advice. I had to ask for it. But after I did, their warmth and respect for me and their understanding of my dilemma enfolded me in a kind of embrace. I was nourished by their friendship and their wisdom. Most of these individuals lived some distance from me. Phone chats, email, even books they wrote served me well. I knew that they were special because what they shared with me was just right. It fit me and my family perfectly. And while we didn't agree on absolutely everything, which is the sign of a healthy and honest relationship, we did share a similar perspective on the essential issues.

I call these special individuals encouragers, for that was the most powerful and forceful effect of what they did for me. They helped me believe, because they believed in me. They showed me that I can do this, that my longings are not a fairy tale. They showed me how it might be done.

Find your encouragers. When their words soak into your soul, recognize the role they have. Make note of what they said so that you don't forget. Nourish the relationship. Write them a letter. Send them a gift. Do something for them. Have enough humility to go to them again and ask for their input. Take time to ponder and apply what they have shared with you. This will make you much stronger and sturdier, and much wiser, over time.

Staying Mentally Strong: # 7 Take the Long View

I know from experience that there are many days in homeschooling when it looks as though this won't work. One of the kids can't seem to learn the next set of skills or concepts or seems to hate everything you try. Perhaps another one of the kids can't concentrate, can't get the work done, won't get the work done. Maybe everyone in the schoolroom just can't get along with each other. The attitude problems, the character issues, the confusion over how to teach it so they can learn it, the exhaustion are all adding up to a crisis. You feel that you can't take it one more minute. Maybe you are in the midst of a move or a new baby or a death in the family. It all seems like too much. When did you think you could do this? It doesn't matter, because nobody remembers that now. All that is evident is that this is not working.

It happens to all of us. If you are homeschooling for any length of time, you will be overcome by the unexpected. You will feel foolish and inept. How could you not see that this was going to be too much? How could you have understimated the demands and overestimated your ability to cope by such a large margin?

I am going to let you in on a secret. This moment, this place in your life, can't tell you all that. It's too small a slice of the whole pie to be a good indicator of your overall, future success. Yes, it looks from here that you made a mistake, maybe. But don't be deceived by momentary results. The fact that you have problems matters less than you think it does.

There were several points at which I said I can't do this. It isn't fair to the kids for us to continue. I won't do it anymore. It was a good try, but we are really finished with it now. I said as much to my husband, who just looked at me kindly and gave me a hug. He knew what I was up against and completely understood why I was seeing it all that way. He also knew that we would figure out how to make it work, and he gave me the room to get past my anguish and find a way.

At my points of despair, God impressed me with a single thought. Just try. That's all you need to do. Just keep getting up in the morning and trying. Do your best. Trust Me to make it enough. I was self-conscious about telling anyone that God was actually communicating with me along these lines. But I knew it had to be Him. I had nothing left in me that would have possibly produced anything like this. The thought was addressed directly to me and marched strongly through my mind, interrupting anything I was doing. It was there in the morning when I awoke. It was there when I lay myself across my bed and cried. It was there when I wanted to run out of the house screaming.

Just try. That's all you need to do. Just keep getting up in the morning and trying. Do your best. Trust me to make it enough.

If you know our story, you know that wonderful things happened after each of these low times. The problems were either solved or they resolved on their own. The right people who could help us appeared just as we needed them. My boys learned, and learned to love learning. They grew into young men of strength and depth and integrity.

But there were moments when things looked very bleak, even impossible.

I suffered more than I needed to because I didn't understand that the bleak moments were just low notes in the symphony we were all writing together. They were only the contrast to the achievements. What mattered most was how we continued to work through them. What mattered was the ways in which we learned perseverence and problem solving, patience and teamwork. We learned how to navigate the hard times with grace and perspective.

This was illustrated by the last place where we went through one of those times. My son said to me, "It's okay, Mom. You and I know that homeschooling can absorb times like this. We will be just fine." I smiled gratefully back to him and nodded.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Staying Mentally Strong: # 6 Examine Your Habits

Yesterday, I had some free time and spent it at a bookstore. I perused a new book: The End of Overeating by David Kessler. One of the things brought up in the book was the idea that habits really help us -- they let us get things done without having to expend mental energy to accomplish them. This frees up space in our brains to attend to other tasks.

We can see this in the example of riding a bike. When we learn to ride, it takes all our concentration to stay on the bike and make it go where we want at the speed we intend. With practice, all this becomes automatic. Eventually, we can take a relaxing bike ride in which we don't think about the mechanics of riding at all. Our brains have learned the bike riding habit and it has become something we don't have to think consciously about. We can think about other things while we ride. We do the same thing with driving a car, washing dishes, penmanship, even reading a book.

We have daily habits that work the same way. Dressing for the day is automatic. We don't have to concentrate to get the clothes on, and we usually do it while thinking of other things. Eating three meals a day is a similar habit.

Taking a little extra time to examine our daily habits can sharpen us mentally, because good automatics make life run smoother and accomplish tasks that we don't have to consciously take time for. Then we are free to use that mental energy for other needs.

Sometimes the shift we need to make is simple, small, and easy to accomplish. This was often the case for me.

Here are two stories to illustrate:

Getting Things Together In One Place

Since we live in Pennsylvania, we have to turn in annual portfolios of our students' work. One of the things that was so time-consuming for me was finding the school work. I know this sounds ridiculous. I mean, where could it be? Well, all I can say, is you would be surprised at what can happen to paper when you live in a busy household with two lively boys and two cats. We tried several approaches to the problem. I tried to put the papers away each day. That didn't work too well, because I had too many distractions. Next, I gave that job to the boys. That didn't work too well because they forgot and I had too many distractions. Next, I tried to put the work in plastic crates and occasionally stuff it into their portfolios. That was better, but the cats loved the crates and did things in them and the boys spilled stuff in them and so on. I didn't do the filing as often as I should. The boys forgot to put dates on their papers, and I forgot to check to see that dates were on the papers. They forgot to put page numbers on the papers. Later we had trouble identifying which exercises in the book went with those particular answers. There were a lot of papers that never found their way into the crates at all. I kept thinking: what's the matter with me? This should be simple. Do I not have a shred of discipline? But lecturing myself and setting new resolutions like this year I will absolutely not sleep until every page is in the portfolio didn't help.

What did help was a new habit. After seven years of this, I had a revelation. That day I went to Wal-mart and bought a small spiral bound notebook for 79 cents for each subject. Every time one of my boys did an assignment, he wrote in the notebook -- if it was humanly possible. This meant that all the papers were attached and stayed in one place, in spite of the way our cats tried to tear the pages out of the notebooks. It meant that the pages were in chronological order, so when a date was missing or the page number was missing, I could quickly tell which exercise the answers were for and what date the work was done. We also discovered spiral bound notebooks with pages that were perforated so we could tear them out cleanly and neatly when we wanted to place them in a three-ring binder for the portfolio. The remaining work which could not be done in the spiral bound notebooks was a smaller amount and easier to keep up with. I did absolutely no extra work to make this happen, and it saved hours of work and anguish.

Personal Time

Throughout my homeschooling experience, finding time for personal Bible study and planning was a challenge. The thing that finally helped me most was a new habit. I moved our reading period to the early morning. The boys and I arranged the first part of the day for this routine: they would have a bowl of cereal and then start reading their books. They read for an hour every day. This became their favorite part of the day, and it meant that they were able to read widely and deeply. In their high school years alone, they each read 100 classics. The reading time became a kind of sanctuary to all of us. We never answered the phone at that hour. There were no visitors at the door at 8:00 a.m. I used the time to read my Bible and get ready for the day. My Bible stayed at my teacher's desk, so it became an integral part of my daily preparations. As I developed the habit of using that hour in this way, my struggles with finding daily time for Bible reading and planning evaporated. A new habit, which seemed effortless before long, had solved my problems.

What are the automatics of your day -- the ways you do things without thinking consciously? Are they working well for you?

Staying Mentally Strong: # 5 Make Room for Joy

How? By doing anything that feeds your soul, that truly refreshes you and transforms you, if only for a few minutes. Do it for 5 to 15 minutes every day you can. When you have more time, an hour or two on a weekend, during holidays or on a relaxed evening , enjoy things that last a little longer. The life of the homeschooling mom is hard. The days are long. The stresses are numerous. The demands are high. In the midst of it all, personal renewal and refreshment can seem like a low priority.

It took me a long time to appreciate the value of joy. It was hard to make room for simple pleasures. Escape, of any kind, looked like a luxury I could not afford. It was hard for me to justify it when I couldn't quite do everything that needed doing. But I found that it was a smart investment. After forgetting about all the pressures and responsibilities for a few minutes, I was fresh again and much bettter equipped to handle my life.

At first, I had trouble thinking of things that would bring me joy and which only lasted a few minutes. I used to scan nice magazines for ideas. If I liked a picture or an article, I tried to pull from it some possibilities to try. Eventually, I came up with a list of 5-minute, 15-minute, 30- minute, and hour long joy breaks. During the busiest years, I kept them in a drawer in the kitchen or on the side of my fridge. (Not on the front of the fridge -- too personal and might be a little embarrassing.) Silly as it seemed to keep a list, this tactic really helped me. When I was tired or stressed out, I couldn't think of anything I would enjoy. The lists were great for jogging my memory when I was completely out of any inspiration.

I eventually developed routine times of day when I would typically enjoy a break: first thing in the morning for 5 minutes with a cup of coffee, 15 minutes over lunch, 30 minutes when school ended, an hour in the evening. I did my best work when my joy breaks were focused and distinct from the rest of my life. I tried not to waste them on things that looked like a joy break, but weren't effective for me. Those activities, which refreshed other people, were time wasters: reading the newspaper (I married a news editor) ; watching TV; shopping for clothes; going to parties; phone calls; eating out at restaurants.

What refreshed me? Here are some examples:

5-10 minutes:

a really great cup of coffee on the porch, if I savor it

an inspiring piece of music (close my eyes, just listen)

watching or playing with my cat

studying a beautiful flower

a luxurious hand cream

lighting a favorite scented candle

selecting and playing classical or jazz music

looking carefully at a lovely photograph or painting

arranging my desk so that it looks nice, even decorated

looking out my bay window to see which birds I can spot

coming up with ideas and plans for longer joy breaks

making a pot of tea

eating fresh fruit in season (a bowl of berries, anyone?)

writing on a postcard to send to someone, just because

15 to 30 minutes:

a neighborhood stroll

walking through my garden and admiring my work

arranging flowers in a vase

a shower with a special, scented soap, followed by matching lotion and silky pj's

a chat with a neighbor

coffee with my husband

reading the comics (really good ones)

reading a good, thoughtful magazine article

looking at possibilities for projects that would make something lovely

scanning Netflix for movies to watch later

setting out one household decoration for the season I'm in

walking through a nearby greenhouse

shopping for stationery or cards, for a few minutes

One hour or more:

a really good movie

trip to a bookstore where I look for books I want to read

making a special treat in my kitchen, something that is pure luxury

shopping for, grinding, brewing fine coffees

stepping into one or two selective, fine boutiques

perusing antiques

going to an auction

a long walk in a pretty place, around a lake, a nice neighborhood, a park

planting flowers in pots or beds

planning for my garden

making a room look beautiful (completely frivolous type work)

buying new make-up

reading a book

reading a favorite magazine cover to cover

putting a lounge chair out in the yard, closing my eyes, and listening and breathing the air

sitting on my porch, watching the world go by

a long chat with a special friend

taking my journal to a coffee shop

planning for or dreaming of places I'd like to travel to

a bubble bath

Okay, now it's your turn. What brings you joy?

Staying Mentally Strong: #4 Be Selective

I have received more advice about raising my children and homeschooling them than I have in any other arena. Most of it was given to me with good intentions. I have to admit, it's nice that people care enough to take the time to give me feedback, an encouraging word, or a helpful tidbit that could make things better. I am grateful that others wish me well and want to see me succeed. I wouldn't want to miss out on the warmth, the love, the fellowship.

Here is the funny thing: I could not have possibly implemented all those suggestions in one lifetime. First of all, the advice doesn't all fit together. Use a boxed curriculum. Use no curriculum. Use the school's curriculum. Send them to prep school. Send them to Christian school. Send them to public school, even if it's only for one class. Use a schedule. Don't schedule anything. Try unschooling. Have you heard of Charlotte Mason? The problem is you need to get that house clean. Don't worry about the house. Those children need to do more chores. You're trying to be too perfect. You're being too professional. You're not a professional. You're not qualified for this. Don't worry about qualifications. You should not be doing any of it. They should be doing it all for themselves.

As I said, one lifetime is not enough.

Let's compare all that advice to a curriculum fair or a homeschool convention. What happens at the curriculum fairs? Each vendor promotes a particular product or approach or technique. At a convention, each speaker offers advice and a particular approach to teaching. You can't use it all. You need things that will fit your family. Your job at the fair or convention is to find the products, approaches, and techniques that will work for your children.

That's a good way to view advice. Be selective. Ponder your situation, your children, your own personality. What really makes sense, given all these things? What is appropriate for who you are, who your children are, and what you family is like? I have seen many different homeschools which were successful. They all had one thing in common. They fit the people who were in them.

Here's the secret we shouldn't tell anyone. Much of the advice you get, you must ignore, if you are going to stay mentally strong. Select only the advice which is truly helpful. For the rest, appreciate the people who gave it, thank them, and file it away.

Staying Mentally Strong: # 3 Trust Yourself

"Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do."

- Benjamin Spock

What I realize now is that I was that I was the expert on my own children. Nothing could compare with all that I knew from living with them and mothering them as they grew up. I had a huge database of information: things they had said, disappointments, attitude problems, delights, playtime favorites, books they had loved, things they had wanted, and so forth. I also had a database full of my experiences as a mother and teacher: things that had or had not worked for us, techniques for instruction, and an understanding of how we learned best. Even our failures provided important feedback. The solving of any problem was the process of drawing up the relevant information and using it to analyze the current dilemma and then implementing, with a little trial and error, the solution.

For years, I did not know this.

I was always on the lookout for an expert who would give me the magic key that would open the door to the school I longed for -- you know, the one that has hardly any nagging problems because everyone is so happy and motivated and responsible. The mom I envisioned had plenty of time for everything because the school nearly ran itself. I found plenty of books, tapes, and teaching products that promised this to me. The pictures on them were appealing vignettes of smiling, clean children with their happy mothers -- both beaming and carefree as they looked joyfully over a book or worked together on a project. The homes in these pictures looked neat and tidy, every book in place, and nothing questionable on the floor. For a long time, I believed the myth that finding the right curriculum would transport us into this world.

I continued, for some time, to believe that perfect world was possible and that the only reason we didn't have it was that something was defective in me. Other homeschooling moms often perpetuated the myth, as they put their best foot forward and made it look easy. Sometimes they would point out to me that I needed to lower my standards or make my children do more chores or use a complete packaged curriculum (theirs) or throw up a work chart on the fridge. None of this helped. I kept searching for the answer. I tried a lot of different things.

What I didn't understand then was that the real answers were right in front of me. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, I had been trying to find my way by seeking help from everyone else when the shoes that would take me home were already on my feet. I was wearing the answer to my prayers all along.

There was not one single problem in twenty years of being a homeschooling mother which could not be solved by observing, researching, remembering, pondering, and praying. The solutions were right in front of me all the time. I just needed to give myself time to work it out. I needed to trust my hunches, rely on my memory, and give myself space in which to think quietly and reflect. Then I needed "permission" to experiment a little. Once I did this, we began to deliberately build a life of joy and adventure that was larger than anything I had hoped for and more successful than anything I would have dared to attempt. Yes, it was hard work. Yes, there were struggles and discouragements. But it was inspiring, deep, lovely, and our very own.

Later, when I began counseling other homeschooling families, I watched dozens of mothers tell me exactly what was wrong in their homeschools but be unable to trust their own insights. Usually, when I asked them what they thought the real underlying issues were, their speculations were accurate assessments. Helping them grow the school of their dreams was often achieved by helping them trust their insights about their children and showing them how to use that insight to solve problems. Yes, they did need a selective portion of new information or perhaps some help in gaining a new perspective. But they had the answers with them all along. What they often lacked was confidence and the understanding of how to act on what they knew.

It was a revelation that I wasn't the only mother who stuggled in this way. I now believe that this issue is a common pitfall. Moms need the freedom to experiment. They need to rely on the database of insights and information they have gained over the years. They need to give themselves time to figure out what their kids need and how to make that happen in their homeschools.

Nobody on this planet can compete with what you know. Trust yourself.

Staying Mentally Strong: #2 Be Patient

Keep starting fresh and trying your best. It's as simple as that.

No matter what the problems are, no matter how whiny the kids are, no matter how whiny you feel. Just do it. Over and over. Problems in math? Try something fresh. Still didn't work? Ask some friends. Do some research. Try some other new ideas.

Our oldest son Josh used to say, with a sigh, "I'm just one big experiment." That was, for better or for worse, close to the truth.

I suggest telling your kids, at appropriate moments, that you are going to experiment together until you find the best way for everyone to learn. Let them in on the secret that you don't know exactly how you are going to do everything. It's a discovery process. And this discovery process means that you have to be patient with them, and they have to be patient with you, and everyone in the family has to be patient while we find the best way to learn together.

What I finally realized is that respect in the home school doesn't mean that the kids sit still and listen while Mom the Sage knows it all and teaches it all. Respect means that we offer one another kindness and understanding while we all figure it out. This includes Mom figuring it out.

This leads to another aspect of patience: be patient with yourself.

Homeschooling has a way of making us feel very frustrated with our own limitations. There were times when I thought I couldn't stand BEING ME one more minute. I used to tell my husband, "I just wish I was someone else. I can't stand to be in my own skin." I knew what I wanted to be, but I couldn't figure out how to get there.

I would like to tell you that I went through some kind of miraculous character change that turned me into the Mary Poppins Teacher I longed for, but it never happened. I was the same ME going through the challenges of homeschooling all the way to the end. Yes, I grew tremendously as a person. Yes, we had a beautiful experience, an inspiring story of overcoming obstacles to achieve things we dreamed of. But I was still myself. I didn’t become someone else. I still made the same kinds of mistakes, especially when I was tired or sick, or it was the end of the year.

You will make mistakes. A lot of them. It's part of the learning curve. You have never been here before. Just don’t let that throw you off or destroy your confidence. Understand that EVERYONE, whether they reveal it or not, is making their mistakes, too. Teaching our own at home is done by trial and error. It doesn't matter what curriculum you use or how you approach it. It doesn’t matter how smart you are or how organized your home is. Mistakes are the hidden, unexpected curriculum by which YOU will learn alongside your kids. You are a pioneer discovering a new continent. You are a scientist uncovering a mystery. You are an explorer on uncharted seas. Be patient. Forgive yourself. Start fresh and try again.

And again.

That's what it’s supposed to look like.

Ten Rules for Staying Mentally Strong

As I was saying yesterday, the end of the year is a challenging time for mom. It's hard to keep body and soul together. This week I will be sharing my own 10 Rules for Staying Mentally Strong through the ups and downs of homeschooling. Think of yourself as an athlete. You have to do more than pay attention to the game you're playing. You need to keep yourself mentally sharp.

Rule #1:

Believe It's Possible.

Yes, you can do this. Studies show that homeschoolers are, on average, scoring about 30 percentage points higher than their public school peers on standardized tests. That's an average. If you work hard throughout your year and bring your students to each new skill and concept as they are ready, they will likely do better overall than they would if they were in a classroom. There's nothing magical about it. The tutorial mode of teaching has always been more efficient and more effective. When a public school student has been out of the classroom and has fallen behind, a tutor helps the student catch up. When a college student is struggling with a class, the usual remedy is a tutor. Often these tutors are not traditional teachers. Sometimes they are fellow students. Our son Ben has a job tutoring other students at the University of South Carolina.

I know you have your faults and weaknesses. So do I. But we are not SO inept that we are THAT far behind the average homeschooling family. If you are doing your job to the best of your ability, everything is going to be fine. Really, it is. Trust me on this one. I have counseled dozens of homeschooling families. In the ones where Mom is earnestly doing her personal best, the kids are learning and growing. At a minimum, they are keeping pace with their public school friends, and getting some special benefits from learning at home. In addition to this, most homeschooled students are above average in areas of special interests or giftedness.

Could you do better? Sure. We always can improve. You should try to learn from your experience and do a more effective job each year. But keep in mind that most homeschooling moms feel inadequate. Even the best ones. Remember my article from yesterday? I felt like a failure at times. The reality was that we were successful. Both my sons earned four year scholarships to the colleges of their choice. One was an AP Scholar and the other was a National Merit Scholar. But I never felt on top of it all. Never. Sometimes, I felt that things were running smoothly. We had many experiences of sheer joy. We had seasons where it was wonderful. At other times, I felt sorry for them. I believed I had made a mistake. This up-and-down nature of homeschooling can wipe you out if you don't know it's coming and don't understand what's happening to you.

Let's put it this way: if you are still home, if you are still on the job, if you haven't left for a dream career, and it's the end of the year, you won the game. If you are like the rest of us, you probably didn't get everything done that you thought should be done, and you can see a lot of things that need work. Don't fret over it now when you are tired. There will be time for all of that later. For now, just cross the finish line. Let the clock run out. Hold fast to the score you have. When it's over, get some rest.

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Author's Note: For my "10 Rules for Staying Mentally Strong," I am indebteded to Dr. Bob Rotella for the original idea of presenting these concepts. I realized that these important guidelines for homeschoolers could be packaged in this way when I was recently reading his article, 10 Rules for How to Win Your Major, in the June 2009 issue of Golf Digest. Basically, this is my take on keeping the homeschool mom mentally fit for her best game.

End of a Year

One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done . . .

- Marie Curie

I remember the way I usually felt at the end of the school year -- really, it was indescribable. There isn't a word in the English language for it. In some ways, we had accomplished more than I had realized. At the same time, there were all the things that we had not done. I could see the projects, too, that had fallen short of my idealized hopes. My kids had made progress, no doubt about that, and I knew that was considered by most to be a sign of success. But there was a nagging doubt dripping in the back of my mind. When does one know how much is enough? I was intimately aware of my children's weaknesses. To me they were glaring. I was painfully aware of my own flaws. To others, this seemed less evident. I could appreciate that. Or maybe they were just being nice. Maybe we had better cash it in and take up real school.

My kids didn't help me any with these feelings. Toward the end of the year, they were tired. They wanted to be finished. I remember one of mine saying that his problem was that he had a fake teacher in a fake school. If he had a real teacher, he would be able to learn this stuff. I understood how he felt and I didn't even protest. I just looked at him and nodded my head. I was tired of being a fake teacher in a fake school. Tired of all this effort that didn't lead to direct, sustainable results. Tired of wrestling with my own failings. Tired of confronting the fear (sometimes a certainty) that I wasn't ever going to be enough. I actually felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for myself. If I could have, in good conscience, walked him over to the real school a block away and left him there, that's where he would have gone.

But ultimately, I knew I was doing what God had called me to do. I just didn't understand how He could have given me a job that I was unable to do well enough. That's honestly how I felt: sad, disappointed, tired, irritable, and disillusioned. At the same time, I was deeply grateful that we had finished another year. There were memories that could make me smile, even when I was feeling low. I could see my kids' progress, while being nagged by the anxiety that it wasn't enough. I really was exhausted. I needed to get out of the school room in the worst way. The thought that I could wake up, on a morning soon, without having to teach any lessons made me feel a little wild.

Perhaps we should make up a word to describe how the end of the school year feels. Shakespeare made up the words he needed. So did Mark Twain. With company like that, how can we resist?

How about this one? Wildebestuous.

It means that mixed up state of: I am feeling wild like a beast in a cage, even though we did our best, and I am not sure why am I feeling so tempestuous, yet I am so grateful to be here and need a large word to describe the odd sense of spaciousness that is at the end of a lot of work.

There. What do you think?

Can you suggest a word for the way you feel at the end of the year?